The Ferryman (2007)

Clearly one of the points of watching terrible films is mocking the movie's writers extremely inane ideas. Every once in a while, though, the law of averages throws a curveball and spits out a movie with a decent plot twist. Sadly, one bit of cleverness was pretty much all The Ferryman had going for it. The Ferryman takes place on a boat, taking three couples (with extraordinarily dull mid-life crises to sort through) to a vacation on the islands off of Australia. On the very first night of their trip, they pick up a stranded sailor (John Rhys-Davies) , the sole remaining survivor on a ship dead in the water. After wooing the ship's women with some charmingly misogynistic banter in a poker game, he proceeds with the movie's First Kill and getting knocked overboard. The man's death, though, was not done by a normal weapon, but by a brass dagger of sorts that brings him back to life, albeit with the soul of the sailor inside of him. The movie then kicks off, as pretty much everyone gets killed in a not-fun gory fashion. By far the low point of the film is the pitiful torture of the boat's resident dog, despite it being key in the development of the sailor's evilness, it was completely unnecessary. The movie's twist (at least for gullible people such as myself) comes late in the killings, as the First Kill's wife is about to be knocked off herself--but is saved at the last minute by the sailor (who never died, but was just knocked overboard). It turns out that the movie's magical knife doesn't just infect the body it stabs with the sailor's soul-it switches the souls of the bodies of the stabbed and the stabber. And thus our minds are blown.

Kill Meter: 4? 5? Death ambiguity is unacceptable in group horror films. If your body dies, do you? Let the priests answer that one, we are all agnostics here goddamnit.

Quote: I saw how you looked at me on the dock. You wanted to kiss me.

Grade: F. My surprise at the movie's twist would bump the film to a D- (respect must be given where it is due) but animal violence is unacceptable (unless it is against a Sasquatch or some other merciless man-slayer).

Lesson: Too many. First and foremost is the oldest lesson of all: NO BOATS. Second, if a movie stars someone you know, be wary of pretentiousness. A known movie star can occasionally be a plus (See Casper Van Dien in Skeleton Man), but it can also mean that a movie aspires to something deeper. Lastly, another lesson we have sadly been forced to learn again and again: non-American group horror is the worst.

IMDB Link